Raising Boys & Fostering Emotional Intelligence by Kathy Crimmins

Reflecting on my early years, I realise how much I was emotionally nourished by my connections with my sisters and close girlfriends. Our conversations—about crushes, friendship conflicts, and insecurities—helped me navigate the challenges of growing up and laid the foundation for my emotional intelligence.

Girls are often encouraged to express emotions openly, while boys receive subtle messages that vulnerability is a weakness. From a young age, they are conditioned to suppress emotions like sadness, insecurity, or the need for comfort—qualities seen as natural for girls but as deficits in boys. This disparity raises an important question: Do boys, lacking emotional coaching, enter adulthood at a disadvantage when it comes to emotional intelligence? If life were a marathon, girls would have been training for months, while boys—having received little guidance—would be expected to perform without preparation.

As a mother of three sons, I see my role as helping them navigate their emotions just as I would a daughter. While the conversations may look different, boys also need a safe space to be vulnerable, connect, and receive emotional coaching.

Parenting today comes with unique challenges, especially with the pressures of social media. But parents are also their children’s first and most influential coaches. By embracing this role, we can better equip our sons—not just our daughters—for the emotional marathon of life.

"Name It to Tame It"

Research shows that identifying and naming a child's emotions helps integrate the left and right sides of the brain. The left brain is responsible for logic, words, and order, while the right brain processes emotions, meaning, and the overall experience. When we name emotions and tell the story behind them, we help the brain function as a whole, leading to greater flexibility, adaptability, and emotional stability.

Instead of distracting from or minimising your child’s feelings, try these steps:

1. State the facts – Describe what happened and acknowledge the emotions involved.

2. Label the emotions – Help your child identify what they are feeling.

3. Develop a strategy – Encourage them to find a coping mechanism or response to the situation.

Dr. Dan Siegel coined the term “Name It to Tame It” as a technique to reduce stress and anxiety by labeling emotions in the moment. By identifying and acknowledging feelings, we lower the brain’s stress response and strengthen emotional regulation over time, allowing children to manage big emotions without becoming overwhelmed.

From little things big things grow…

Day-to-day parenting can be challenging as you juggle household responsibilities, children's daily routines, and the overall well-being of the family. Often, the most visible tasks—such as laundry, cooking, and coordinating school and extracurricular activities—take priority. As a result, moments for genuine connection and sharing can slip down the list, sometimes only happening during a meltdown or when emotions have reached a breaking point. However, it’s the small moments sprinkled throughout the day that help build a child's emotional intelligence.

Creating opportunities for these moments can be as simple as involving your children in everyday tasks—asking them to help set the table, clean up after a meal, or hang out laundry with you. These short 10-15 minute activities, done side by side, provide a natural and pressure-free way to check in with your child. Instead of feeling like an interrogation, these shared tasks offer a relaxed setting for casual conversation.

Simple questions like, “What was the best part of your day?” or “Did anything tricky happen today?” can spark meaningful discussions, leading to deeper insights into your child’s thoughts and emotions. These moments not only strengthen your bond but also create a safe space for your child to open up, allowing you to offer support and guidance when needed.

Mirror, Mirror

Reflective listening is a powerful skill to use when your child is upset and experiencing a range of emotions they may not fully understand. By reflecting their feelings back to them, you show empathy and demonstrate that you are trying to understand their thoughts and emotions from their perspective.

One way to practice reflective listening is by mirroring your child's feelings through restating or rephrasing what they have expressed. For example, you might say, "It sounds like you're feeling angry with your friend." This not only validates their emotions but also helps them process difficult feelings in a safe and supportive way.

Additionally, by using a broader vocabulary, you can help your child develop a richer emotional vocabulary, allowing them to better express themselves and gain a deeper understanding of their feelings.

By consistently using reflective listening, you can strengthen your connection with your child and support their emotional development.

Is it “Social” Media?

I was fortunate to attend a seminar where D. Zac Seidler spoke about the challenges boys and young men face today. Dr. Seidler is a clinical psychologist, researcher and leading men’s mental health expert. He spoke about their research, along with studies from other sources, revealing that young boys spend nearly a quarter of their waking hour online. With much of what they engage in appears to reinforce harmful narratives about masculinity, with exposure beginning early as 9 years old. The online world, much like a runaway train, is moving fast, and it is up to us as parents to engage with our boys (and girls) - and listen to what they are saying. Be curious about what they are engaging in the online world and starting conversations that bring about understanding that foster care, connection and inclusion of men.

Nurturing emotional intelligence in children, particularly boys, is essential for their overall well-being and success in life. If we as parents can foster open communication, encourage vulnerability, and using strategies like reflective listening and emotion labelling, we can help our children develop the skills necessary to navigate their emotions more effectively. This can also help empower them to grow into emotionally resilient adults capable of facing life's challenges with confidence and empathy.

About the Author

Kathy has a passion for working with mums navigating the challenges that come with parenting today, and is taking new clients on Mondays and Fridays. Kathy is committed to helping others through sharing knowledge and empowering people with skills to address any obstacles or concerns they may be encountering. Feel free to reach out with any questions or for additional support.